Reflections on Death

I have attended three funerals/memorial services in the past year and have felt very differently at each one. The first was a year ago when Wade's brother Reid passed away suddenly due to a climbing accident. The second was when a friend's dear little baby Alice passed away shortly before she was due to enter this world and the last was a member of our ward who ended his battle with cancer this week.

I've been trying to decide why each came with it's own emotional charge and I have a few ideas. First, I believe that death, while always accompanied with some degree of mourning, may be easier to swallow when those left behind have a firm grasp of the plan of salvation, as well as whether the deceased did. The second is, and this one I am grateful to not know first hand, is death easier to accept when you know it is coming?

As a distant observer, I saw how hugely Reid's passing rocked his family's world. His accident was sudden and unexpected, there was no time to prepare for his absence or say those things you might when you know a life may end. I will remember the fond memories and stories of his strong will that were shared, I will also remember the heaviness that accompanied the event of his passing. I believe his family knows they will see him again, but whether it was the suddenness of the passing, or the fact that his dear wife didn't have the gospel in her life, something hurt significantly there.

At the time of Baby Alice's passing, there was also hurt, but it was different for me. There was a personal sadness, one that I unintentionally internalized I think because of my great desire to be a mother and knowing how close Karen was to having her baby girl in her arms. I ached for her, but I also felt the peace that accompanied Alice's sweet parents and appreciated the effort they were making to try to believe that there was a reason for this season in their lives.

At Brother Tony's service yesterday, I was humbled by the fact that his dear wife and five children were left without him, but I also felt the gratitude that they felt for having him present in their lives for the time they did. I expected the service to be somber, but laughed on numerous occasions. I did not know Tony extremely well, but wished I had by the end of the day. That, to me, is a great funeral. I was able to see the lives he touched and the humor he met life with. I wondered if one of the reasons this day was a bit more peaceful was because the passing of this dear brother was expected. I'm not sure one can completely prepare to lose someone they love, but I believe the end of a life produces slightly different emotions when one knows it's coming.

I don't mean my thoughts to be insensitive, although I admit complete ignorance as I have never dealt with the death of someone extremely close to me. I don't know if it's natural or selfish for an event such as death to make me wonder what I would do if the situation were mine. If I were to lose a child, a sibling or my husband, how would I handle it? I have played out several scenarios hoping to meet a challenge such as that with dignity and grace, but knowing that my emotions have a tendency to get the better of my common sense sometimes. It has been interesting to discuss these issues with Denten, and most of all be grateful that I have him here to discuss them with. I am also grateful to know that however and whenever death touches my life, that those who go on before me are in a beautiful place and that Heavenly Father's plan is in working just as it should.