The Comfort Zone.

We're off to a race this weekend.  There is a half-ironman event in St. George and I will be cheering alongside my children while D races his pants off.  A year ago, this was a full Ironman event and after too many people almost died, the powers that be modified the course and declared that going forward, it would be a half.  My husband was one of those.  Remember?  Ugh.  I wasn't there as there were other things scheduled that weekend and chose those over the race.  I'm not making that mistake again.

We are all going.  There are sacrifices being made all around- dance classes, swimming lessons, a tumbling recital and a baseball game will be missed so we can be there for dad.  Because he has made sacrifices too, mostly in the form of sleep and time at home so he can be prepared.  That was my one request when he started this triathlon madness a few years ago.  I'm on board if you'll put in the time to be prepared so it's not a disaster.  Well, we've seen disasters, but not due to the lack of preparation.  He's ready.  He's strong.  He's hitting the times he wants to see and it's going to be a great race.

It's going to be great because he has created it to be such.  A friend of mine, Justin Prince, recently wrote about ambition and the idea that the only thing standing in the way of ambition is comfort.  It's the same idea that my dad has driven into us since we were little... "get out of your comfort zone."  Growth doesn't occur in our comfort zone.  Dent's ambition consistently pushes him out of his physical comfort zone in order to reach a place that is slightly higher than he was before.  It is this ambition that we will be celebrating this weekend as he swims, bikes and runs his way through southern Utah.

It is this same ambition that has my children ready for the kids race that will occur the evening before.  They want to run further and faster than they did before and are well aware that this will involve some discomfort.  It is this same desire for something greater than my present state that has me working out consistently and eating like a nazi because there is a mountain on my calendar in August and my greatest fear is not being ready for it.

We have a comfort zone in every aspect of our lives.  At work and at home we can do the same thing day after day or we can reach for a slightly higher standard.  In school, Cooper can easily do a certain number of math facts in 4 minutes, but to become a Math Master, he needs to increase the number, so he stretches outside of his comfort zone and pushes a little harder- more timed tests, more flash cards, more talking through strategy so he can get there.  In regards to my responsibility to feed my family, we have moved well out of our former comfort zone when it comes to the food we are eating.  The old standards are no more and a new level of health has been established.  One area that is easy to sit tight in is our spiritual life.  If the daily routine doesn't include time for thoughtful prayer, time for meaningful service or time for digging into the scriptures, then fitting those things in isn't comfortable- it's a push, a sacrifice.  But if there is the desire for a higher plane, a closer relationship with Heaven, a constant companionship with the Sprit, we make time and it ends up being well worth the sacrifice and the steps we took outside of our comfort zone.

The questions that have been rolling around are these:  Am I happy where I am?  My answer is yes.  Do I want more?  Yes.  Am I capable of better?  Yes.  Can I achieve the things I want and my full potential by doing what I'm doing now?  No.  What I'm doing now is great, but where I want to be is amazing and completely worth the time, energy and discomfort it will take to get there.

I'm grateful for those in my life that inspire me, that ignite my ambition and help me want to be more than I am.  My sisters probably have comfort zones, but they step out of them so regularly, I think they have grown to be massive.  My brother has been tossed out of his comfort zone a few times and responds with more strength and surety than anyone else could.  My parents believe in and support and encourage me and have always done so.  The girlfriends in my life are incredible examples of women of strength, great mothers, happy wives and daughters of God who know just what their purpose is and will not be deterred.  Denten somehow conveys two messages- one, that who I am now is wonderful and enough and two, that he believes I can achieve amazing things and he'll support me in achieving them.  And he's incredibly patient while I continue to figure out just where I'm headed.

And so this weekend, we will pray for minimal wind, comfortable temps and be confident in the fact that ambition will get Dad across the finish line... and that angels will help the rest of us be happy cheerleaders until it happens!

bombs, heros and angels

On April 15, two bombs exploded near the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  This news was devastating and disturbing on several levels, not the least of which was the fact that I have spent a good deal of time along race courses and cheering at finish lines, often with my children.  I am putting this event into the category of things that try as I may, I will not understand in this life.  I can be upset and bothered and incredibly frustrated, especially for those who worked so hard to be able to participate in the marathon and then I can choose to see the heros that inevitable emerge in situations such as this.  They are always there.  The fact that we have free agency means that bad things happen sometimes, but it does not mean we have been deserted.  It is so obvious that armies of angels surround us at all times and they were working hard on Monday in Boston.

I talked to my children briefly about what had happened and left it that there were people hurt that could use our prayers.  They seemed ok with that.  But this morning on the way to piano, it was clear that Cooper's inquiring mind had not moved on.  He wanted to know about the bombs.  That wasn't something I wanted to go into a lot of detail about... so I was brief and he had more questions.  After his lesson on the way to school he brought it up again- I just don't understand, he said.  I asked what he needed clarified, knowing that I probably wouldn't have the answers.  How do bad people become bad?  Well, that's a tough one, buddy.  We talked a little about those who don't like America, we talked about those who don't know how to handle it when they feel angry and we talked about mental illness... Those are big, heavy subjects for a ride to school!  He got quiet and said he understood all of that but as I looked in my rearview mirror, there were big tears spilling out of his eyes.  What is bothering you most, bud?  After a minute, his voice was quiet as he said, but how do I know if I'm safe?  Good grief.  I wanted to promise with all my heart that he would always be safe, I wanted to give him the guarantee he was looking for.  Well, I don't know if you'll always be safe, but I know you will always be ok.  How?  Because you have an army of angels around you.  We talked about how bad things happen because others have their agency, but Heavenly Father knows us and is aware of us and we will be ok.

We talked about finding the positive in crummy situations and recognizing that there are always good people and blessings to be found.  We talked about how bad guys can hurt people, but they can't break spirits. That while they try to be harmful, they end up bringing people together, we become stronger, kinder, more gentle and more grateful.  He felt better as he got out of the car at school, but I drove home thinking... how on earth do you explain an attack like that to a child- one who wants to wrap his head around it and have it make sense, when it all reality, it will never make any sense at all.

Thankfully he went through his day much more light-hearted and seems to have returned to his carefree self.  It's a bummer that darkness is going to reach my children and that I can't keep them in a bubble forever, but it's a blessing that there is always light close by, and the light is always stronger and always brighter and always wins.

"Like water, be gentle and strong.  Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world."  -B. Peterson

Dear Bexie,

Today you didn't like the clothes I picked out for you, so you picked your own.  You eventually came up with a red shirt and red shorts.  I tried for one minute to tell you it didn't go well together, but decided quickly that wasn't worth the fight.

Today you wanted chocolate chip pancakes and grapefruit for breakfast.  You got a few chocolate chips and plenty of grapefruit.

Today you and Oscar tried to one-up each other all the way home from preschool.  If his baby knew how to stand up, your baby knew how to laugh.  If he was going shooting with his dad, you had your own bow.  I can't tell if your competitive nature came with you or if you have learned it from your siblings.

Today you needed more peanut butter with your apples.  When I didn't oblige, you helped yourself.

Today you chose picking up scat over cleaning up the garbage in the back yard.  That surprised me.

Today you got upset that there were raisins as part of your snack.  You do not like raisins.  We decided raisins were not something to cry about.

Today you did your homework without any help from me and successfully ignored any suggestions I threw your way.

Today you drove me crazy with the back door.  I believe that somewhere deep inside of your brilliant self you know how to enter the house quietly.  I believe, I believe, I believe.

Today you loved your sister a lot.  You played peek-a-boo and made her laugh herself silly.  You rode your penny board around the house and she followed you everywhere you went.

Today you had rich brown eyes with long lashes that can not hide what you are feeling.  Today you had beautiful cheeks that needed to be kissed a lot.  Today I tickled you and let you pretend to drive.

Today you were awesome.

Love,
Mom

 

counting my blessings: 9 months

Wed:

I fed her last night and put her down about 7:30, kissing her as much as possible and echoing the prayer that hangs above her bed, that she would sleep soundly all through the night because there would be mountains for her to move when she awoke.  Dad is gone again and for some reason kids sleeping through the night when he's gone is an extra gift.

She started babbling this morning about 7:45, happy as could be, just letting me know she was ready in there when I had a minute to come get her.  I found her with her head down on her soft blanket and her bottom sticking up in the air.  When she heard me, she sat up straight, smiled and squealed.  

She ate her breakfast like she'd been fasting for 40 days and couldn't get enough.  A good eater is preferred over a picky one.  She watched Beckham perform his magic tricks this morning, laughing in all the right places as she worked on getting the food on her tray up to her mouth.  As she moved from her highchair to the floor, I was reminded that even though I swept last night, the dust fairies come in the night and it needs to be done again.  I was also reminded that the days of her sitting there happy with toys and flapping her arms are gone.  She is on the move.  She plows up the two stairs from the family room to the hall without a blink, a girl on a mission.  Twice I had to follow her little sounds to see where she had gone.  She peeks her little round face around the corner and kicks and squeals, so proud to have found something new.  She discovers new things by putting them in her mouth, she expressed her happiness with darling little laughing sounds and she loves her siblings a lot.  

I'm pretty sure when a mama is expecting a baby, they wish first for good health.  Then they wish for a great sleeper and one who will eat well.  The fact that she's so darn pleasant through it all is just a bonus.  We've had a good nine months, baby.  While I'm not normally prone to turning back time and repeating it, I'd do it.  I'd do it for you, to have more time.  To postpone you getting any bigger, losing any chub, beginning to learn that perhaps I'm not the greatest thing on the planet. Because right now you believe I am.  And the feeling is mutual, my dear.

South Indian-Style Vegetable Curry

South Indian Style Vegetable Curry

courtesy of Green Shakes and Giggles.  

Click above for recipe to this deliciousness.  

Winter Escape

Dad can't go very long without an adventure and seeing as the helicopter didn't fly last year, these crazies were itching to get back up on untouched terrain.  Denten and I flew the coop and headed to Idaho to find winter.  We stayed in Teton Springs, near Victor and Driggs, just over the mountain from Jackson, WY.  It was heartbreaking that the weather didn't allow the helicopter to fly... well, heartbreaking for the hard-core.  For me it just meant that I had more ski buddies at Grand Targhee.

D, AB, Dad, Nanette and Brad

Sisters.  We were missing one.

The ski gang.  

D, AB, Brad, Nan, Jeff, Dad and Harrie

Kate, Wade and Dan were missed all weekend.

The second day the chopper was having issues so we made the most of a bummer situation with a trip to the spa and shopping in Jackson.

We met this disturbing creature on the way home.  He's lucky his wife appreciates his facial hair because the rest of us are not so kind.

Time away from children is necessary occasionally.  It was so nice and can't happen again too soon.

smitten

Have you even been a mama to one of these?  I'm convinced that if you haven't had that opportunity on earth, Heaven will be sure you are first in line when you get up there.  

Have you ever felt joy?  Real joy that fills your whole soul?  I thought I had.  I'm sure I felt it with each of my babies before, but it's back and man, it's the best thing on earth.

I visited with a friend today who has a baby a couple months younger than Stella.  She admitted that she does not enjoy the first year of her children's lives.  At all.  I felt so bad for her as I thought about how I'd had the best day with this little girl.

Two to three years old can be tough- they get busy and messy and while they are fun as they learn so many new things, they are a lot of work.  Teenagers?  Well, that thought scares me out of my mind.  But a perfect little thing like this?  I could honestly take a hundred.  I would, too, if it didn't mean that eventually I'd have to have one hundred teenagers.  

I say I want to freeze time, to make her stop growing and have her stay just like this.  I kind of mean it.  I want her to grow and develop and I'm anxious to see what kind of amazing person is hiding inside, but it's all going way too fast.  She was just so little, like I had to be careful not to break her little.  And now all of a sudden, her hair is long enough to get in her eyes and her chubby fingers can hold her own bottle and her thighs are so squishy it's just too much.  

Her gummy smile is disappearing and it's breaking my heart because I can't go back.  I can't have those baby days with her again.  Every month that passes I think it's the best yet, that she's the most fun, the easiest and the happiest yet.  And then the next one comes and it's even better than the last.  She can sit up and play on her own.  She takes in everything around her with huge blue eyes and she laughs so hard at her brothers and sister I have to stop whatever I'm doing to come watch.  And laugh with her.  We went grocery shopping today and it was evident that without being buckled in she would have flung herself right out of the shopping cart as she kicked her little legs so hard and bounced on her bottom as she gave everyone a mega grin.  

She is joy.  She has a lifetime's worth smashed into her little, perfect, squishy body and it comes out of her eyes and her smile and her excited little kicks.  It jumps right into me and makes me so glad Heaven is on top of everything.  I mean, honestly, tell me something that could make me as happy as going into her room when she wakes up and having her look up, smile as big as her face will allow and start kicking those little leggies..  she loves me.  She totally loves me and I gotta tell ya, the feeling's mutual. I didn't know what I was missing before Stella came.