I have been staring at the screen in front of me for a while trying to decide what to say about this little man. One word that comes to mind is "mystery." It all started that way with him, a mysterious, miraculous conception; one I probably will never understand the physical aspects of, but know it doesn't really matter. He obviously is supposed to be here with us. He came into the world a completely sweet, tiny little thing that I didn't want to be separated from.
I have a heavy heart as I think about Beckham, knowing that there is a mystery about him preventing him to fully enjoy his life here. We've tried so hard to help him be comfortable and ease his pain, yet something still remains. I think the things his little body has had to deal with are things he is slowly growing out of, but it's hard in the meantime to hear the squeals and watch him twist in pain. I had a conversation with my dad a while ago trying to understand that if I had faith enough, would my baby be healed and happy- was the reason my prayers weren't being answered in the way I hoped because my faith was not strong enough? He reminded me that this time is serving a purpose; perhaps to teach me empathy, perhaps it's one of the things Beckham agreed to go through before he came to earth, perhaps so I will completely appreciate the moments when he is peaceful and content and perhaps so he doesn't get lost in the shuffle around here. Whatever the reason, I have questioned my skills as a mother, simply wanting my child to be happy- I know that condition is not possible all the time, but there is a peace inside him that keeps getting run over. I have definately found patience the past few weeks that I have lacked. I don't get frustrated or anxious or uptight inside like I did before; it's easier for me to simply "be" with him and with the other two and know that while the answers don't always come quickly and easily, the blessing of this child is something I am completely grateful for.
While I'm not sure about the results of changing formulas or trying new medications, things are slowly improving as we have seen some smiles this last week. Beckham seems to reserve those for his brother, who loves to be the one to make him happy. Little Bex is also loved very dearly by his slightly older sister. She is very curious about him and will be as close to him as possible at all times. He's going to learn to be tough as she learns to be gentle! Enjoy the pics, they're not super photography work, but they do capture some of the expressions we see every day. I love you Beckham, and I know despite the mysteries we are still figuring out that you are supposed to be number three in this family and that you have a very special place here.
9 comments:
I can't believe how much he's changed. He's so cute and I totally see you in him!
I'm so sorry for the rough times you guys have been going through. I felt like that with both Marky and Emma at different times though, and while some things did seem to help a little the real solution seemed to be time. I think sometimes it just takes a while for their little bodies to figure out how to work. So, keep hanging in there and know that it will pass and you will make it!
Very cute pictures. He looks so much like Cooper. Very adorable.
I feel sad that little Beck is having such a hard time. I know I don't know the extent of his problems...if he is really gassy and he can't get comfortable or maybe there is lots more you not saying? But we have found with all three of our boys that the Fisher Price vibrating bouncer helps so much with the gassiness. Maybe there is more with Beckham that is going on so I won't say this will solve all your problems but it might help. You described Beckham as gassy and contorts his body which all three of my boys did and David still does at times (he's 12 weeks). This bouncer works magic. I know this goes probably totally out of character for you, but we even let them sleep in it at night whenever they just couldn't seem comfortable. I never have had a problem of transferring them to their crib or learning how to sleep through the night. I really believe that the first 4 months of life babies don't manipulate. When they cry there is a reason. Maybe I'm wrong but that is what I have read and believe.
Well, the bouncer is about 30 bucks if you decide to try it. It is my secret weapon for my boys. Please know that this is just my 2 cents and I hope I didn't offend you by giving it.
I really do hope things get better and that your little Beck grows out of it quickly. You are such a great mom! Don't doubt yourself.
Oh Amberly. It has definitely got to be hard to have this beautiful child in your home knowing that his personality hasn't had a chance to emerge because of his body pains. I truly hope things will continue to improve. He is absolutely darling.
What a beautiful, precious little boy! You probably hear other parents share similar experiences...I've had several friends describe similar trials for the first weeks...and then it always got better. Beckham was such a little guy when he was born, I've heard some lines of thought that when they're relatively lighter at birth- sometimes their tummies and digestive processes are more sensitive and subject to difficulty...that they eventually grow out of. You have such a talent for finding meaning or positives in tough challenges. Hang in there! All the meals and mealtime goals you mentioned in your previous post sound super gourmet to me! You're way ahead of the game! (:
I can totally sympathize. It's so hard to not be able to comfort your child and take their pain away! I'm sorry that things so far haven't 'worked' for Beckham. Like others have said, perhaps all he needs is time. He was born 2 weeks early, after all, and is still TINY! I've discovered that does make a big difference in their overall health and well-being. You're doing great, and I'm confident things will get better for you. Keep up the good work!
Great picture of him, by the way!
He is so cute. I hope he starts to feel better soon.
Beckham is one cute dude! Our prayers are with you...
The Babidges
I really enjoyed your blog about your goals...dinners I can totally relate with b/c Jared is never home to eat them with us! Mostly weekends...so< I am also trying to teach a 2 and 4 year old proper table manners, and even having some "conversation" while we are there (yeah right!)
I think you look great no matter what...swimsuit season should not scare you at all..and don't forget how cute those cover-ups are now adays! Go and get a cute halter one to sport at the pool in hot AZ.
I wonder if Beckham could use some sort of adjustment by those healers? They usually work in the abdominal area. Have you heard of them?
Keep me posted.
he is so adorable! i'm sorry he's having such a hard time...jake had tons of stomach issues too and it makes you feel so bad for their little bodies! you are so inspiring with all you accomplish! i'll have to try that deceptively delicious book...sounds fun:) happy easter!
Post a Comment