I spent last week with a nagging heaviness in the back of me that I kept trying to surpress. It took a while for me to deal with it enough to understand where it was coming from. I finally confronted the issue last night and my feelings are mixed. It didn't go well. The conversation that I thought would clear things up for me simply exacerbated the problem and brought to the surface many related issues I was not conciously aware of, nor was the other party, in my opinion. As I finished the lengthy discussion feeling emotionally spent, I wished I hadn't said anything at all, that I would have just let things be. The trouble is that had I not acted on this uncomfortable feeling I'd been carrying, I would have continued to feel heavy about the situation. Or would I? It was bothering me so much that I was not myself yesterday and felt I needed to confront the issue, both for my stomach's sake and for the sake of the relationship in question.
The fact is that I can't take it back now. I typically can look back on a situation and see just how I should have handled it, but this one is different for me. I don't know what I would have done differently. I was not especially articulate. There are moments when my words were probably not kind. I was most certainly overly sensitive as I was hurt by many comments, but I can not imagine how the conversation should have gone. Does that mean it shouldn't have happened at all?
Denten was a fantastic sounding board for me and reassured me that I did the right thing, for both of us. He could see clearly how much I was struggling inside and the ache the situation was causing me. He was wonderful to run errands with us yesterday, to take over the kids, and to listen without judging. His concern was that I was going to let this situation affect the way I conduct my friendships, that I would hesitate to be myself around those I should be very comfortable with. I'm not typically a "guarded" person, I'm out there- I'm pretty up front about who I am and while I definately worry about what others think at times, I don't think I change who I am in order to impress. I don't want to feel like I need to guard my heart. I don't want to feel like I have to hold back anything or that I can't trust those I consider friends.
I'm feeling better about things today. Attempting to move on and knowing that time is all that can heal hearts at this point. I had a pretty productive day despite the fact that we didn't set foot inside a church building today. Two of the three little ones are feeling crummy. They were happy to hang out and sleep and I was happy to let them. It was nice to have a whole day just us, no where to go, time to work on some projects, time to just be us together. We all needed a down day and are now ready to move on and have a great week. I'm grateful tonight for Denten and the way he understands me. I'm grateful for pleasant children and the blessing I have of spending my days with them. I'm grateful for supportive, caring friends near by and far away. I'm grateful for the opportunity of a new week.
10 comments:
Not completely knowing the situation, I would say you did what needed to be done. It was not with the intentions of hurting anybody, and if it was affecting you that strongly it had to be addressed. Continue with prayer for you and that person and leave it in the Lord's hands. Good luck! You are a wonderful person that I always felt I could be myself around because of your honesty and friendship. That is one of your many great attributes.
i am sorry that something was weighing so heavily on you and that you don't feel you got the closure that you sought. sometimes in these instances just beginning by confronting the issue kick starts the actual healing. i hope your heart feels lighter this week.
I am sure that anyone that is close enough to be your friend would not want you to feel heavy about anything. If she is your friend, she will recognize what your intent was and love you all the same. Anybody who knows you understands what type of person you are and values the things that make you different. Denten is right - keep being you.
We need you to be you Amberly! And I also want you to know that you are not alone. I can't tell you how many playgroups, enrichment meetings, book clubs, etc, I've come home from wishing that I'd never opened my mouth. One of my friends calls it the enrichment meeting hangover. When I wrote the letter to the principal this year, I had a period of time when I wished that I had never said anything or written the letter a little differently. Hang in there, it is a new week, and I bet you are starting to feel better already.
Ugh! I hate those kind of situations. I am not built to live in a world where there are uncomfortable feelings or where confrontation is involved, because I hate both and don't deal well with either.
I'm sorry and hope it really does work itself out for the better soon!
do you want me to beat someone up for you?
That is never a fun situation, and I hope you are feeling better today.
Forgive me for having at hand some things I have used:
1. assess our situation to determine the appropriate time, place and method for confronting an issue (you did this)
2. it is important that you clearly identify your specific issue so that you do not come across as a brow beater in your communication (I am sure you did that, you took plenty of time before saying anything)
3. Communicate a solution- Nothing gives a moment of confrontation a more tasteful finish like giving the person a solution to the problem (you may not have done this, but tuck it away for the future--sometimes there is no solution, just hurt)
4. Try not to confront someone in a judgemental way or act as if you are perfect (again, I know you well enough to know you did not do this)
Reviewing these things makes it clear, at least to me, that you did the right thing. Keeping those kinds of problems inside can make you physically ill.
hmmm, sometimes you just have to get things off your chest for your own sanity and if it didn't go as well as you hoped, then do it differently last time. As it sounds like it concerned someone else, than let them handle/digest your feelings their own and see how the dust settles. I truly believe it is better to deal with things then let them brew, brew and brew. I need to take my own advice on this sometimes too. Cut yourself some slack and try to do better. This is a process - this living stuff. Love ya!
I have to give you kudos for confronting a concern. I think it says something very good about you, and perhaps the relationship, that you were able to address a concern. I'm not sure what preceeded it or what has happened since then - but relationships aren't real without some conflict, discussion and resolution. So, hopefully the outcome will be beneificial and like you said, if nothing else you relieved your stomachache and stress!
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