Alright, already. Let’s get a few things out in the open, shall we? Some of you “in the know” have been patient and some not so much. Remember I told you a few posts ago that this year was going to be one of transitions for us here Robinsons?
Have you read this blog lately and thought to yourself, “man, she is one lazy girl!” If so, I take no offense and fully admit to such. There just happens to be good reason.
I happen to have a little baby growing in my tummy.
You may respond to this here screen with a “wait. WHAT?” or a, “I knew it!” Both of which would be common responses thus far. The thing is, it threw me, as in surprised the socks right off of me. And if you thought I was taken, you should have seen my husband’s face. It was a very slow, “Whhaaaatttt?” followed by a mix of complete disbelief and pure shock.
So here’s the thing. I knew there would be another baby in this family. Knew it, no doubt, have a storage closet full of properly labeled bins of baby, toddler and children’s clothes to prove that I knew something was coming sometime. I did not, however, know that it would come through my own body. Knew it was possible, but not really so possible, you know what I mean? Therefore I had pretty much written off the idea of ever being pregnant again- had come to terms with the fact that I most likely wouldn’t feel a baby move inside me again in this life, which is the very very best part about pregnancy, in my opinion. I had also gladly written off the changes my body is going through, the stretching, the uncomfortable, the pushing out in unattractive places, the emotional mess I become at the time of delivery. I mean tell me how great it was when sweet little Seneca showed up and I instantly had this perfect little baby to hold all day long and yet my body didn’t change one little bit?! That was not to be the plan this time.
I have hesitated in sharing this and I’m not sure why. I am thrilled and excited and grateful and in awe that Heavenly Father can create something so perfect that needs to be out of something that simply shouldn’t allow it to be so. Maybe I liked that it was just my little secret for a while. Maybe keeping it quiet kept it real. I’ll be honest and say that I have had moments where my eyes fill with tears thinking of a few select of you who want this so badly and while I know your miracle will come, the fact that you’re waiting patiently and prayerfully makes my heart break. Because I’ve been there, I promise I have.
My mom said, “people won’t get it.” Denten agreed and I think they are referring to people who just hear we’re having a baby and are happy for us. They won’t get that this wasn’t supposed to happen- except that it clearly was. So here’s a bit of history, for you, or more so for this little bean who will someday want to understand why we think he or she is another complete miracle delivered to our family.
Coop was an IVF baby. Stage IV endometriosis deemed getting pregnant on our own impossible, so we worked with RMA in NY and got Coop here. In reality it was a lot more complicated than that, but the important part is that we figured out the issue, found a solution and thought we were in the clear. Three more cycles of in vitro followed after Cooper- one in Phoenix, one in Utah and one in NY- all unsuccessful. The last one was a complete mystery. It was textbook perfect and no one, the docs and lab included, had any inkling as to what might have gone wrong. After the fact, it became clear to me that I would not be completely open to the idea of adoption until we had tried all other alternatives. I don’t know why I needed to go through it all first, but after the last attempt, I was open and ready. It wasn’t a month later that the process was started and five months later that we had our daughter in our home. If IVF would have been successful, we wouldn’t have pursued adoption and we wouldn’t have Seneca- and Heaven knew we needed Seneca. It was all part of the plan.
We got Senny home and two weeks later learned I was pregnant. By our own devices- after multiple failed attempts with fancy drugs, needles and lab work Heavenly Father said, now that you have Seneca, I’m happy to answer those prayers you’ve been sending up here.. here’s another one! And Beckham was born eight months later. Five months following that, I was pregnant again. I know, what are the chances. And yes, Denten was dying. Three kids in under a year?! Uh, no. Turns out it was too good to be true. The endometriosis had interfered and the pregnancy only got as far as my fallopian tube. In order to remove the pregnancy, my tube was lost as well. We left that experience with the knowledge that my endo was worse and that I had one tube. Chances of conceiving? I asked the dr. Not happening, she said.
And yet here we are. Not sure why we needed four years to get here yet, but I’m sure that mystery will be answered in time as all of them have. I have learned, over and over, that He has a plan for our family. Just when I think I have it figured out, He gently reminds me that He’s in charge and keeps me guessing. I knew I needed to be patient and it would all unfold as it should, but in the moment being patient is sooooo hard.
So, yes, this was unexpected. Except that I expected something. Not this, necessarily, but I believe that this little spirit needed to get here, to our family, and despite my imperfect and flawed body, He helped get this little one on their way. Divine intervention? There is no doubt. So I’m taking good care of this little bean. That means I take naps and eat often and walk around here overwhelmed with gratitude. My kids are learning patience because who should have to wait until summer to meet this new baby they are so excited is coming?! But summer it is, so settle in, and be prepared for new reading material, because I’ve been holding back.