I mentioned previously that I wasn't ready for the new year to arrive yet. I felt pressure to hurry and resolve myself for it's arrival. So I did. But it didn't work. I don't know what it is about the changing of the date that makes me think I need to change myself at the same time, but this year the timing was off and pushing it didn't help. The past few weeks have been riddled with insecurities and inadequacies and negativity that have not been my nature recently. Hopelessness set in and any chance of measuring up to invisible expectations crashed. Priorities got thrown in the blender and shot out in a mess.
I jumped on the word obedience in at attempt to find focus, and while I agree with everything I said here, it's not the right word for me right now. I don't intend on abandoning the idea completely, but there are other things I need. The grey mess in my head is clearning and coherant plans are forming and when they're readable, I'll share, but for now I need to document that I'm ready to climb out of this hole. I'm ready to acknowledge that the mess is mine and I'm ready to hand it over to the One who takes care of things like this. Like darkness, like loneliness despite my housefull of people who love me, like expectations that are beyond realistic and have only caused hurt. I'm grateful for Him, for second chances and for the ability He has to heal broken hearts.
Today, in an attempt to refocus on the things that matter to me in this existence I took the kids on an outing. We did not end up where I originally intended, and I was originally disappointed, but it got us out and for some reason, that's just what we all needed. Cooper is quite observant and has offered hugs when he's seen tears and has been especially good to help with senny and bex. He is also good to lighten the mood. He is currently pushing bulk packages of toilet paper and paper towels down the stairs and then racing them to the bottom, everyone/thing landing in a laughing heap at the bottom. Not safe you say? Well, laughter may be the safest way to go right now. I'll keep an eye on the flying limbs.
Here's to resolutions. to light, to peace, to love and to the me that I'm still trying to figure out after 30 years. and here's to patience for those around me.