Last week in yoga I was laying in some good-for-me but hurt-like-hell position when my teacher was talking about silencing the dialog in my head and to just be still. She said the idea to focus on today was "be here now." Just three little words, no big deal, right? I was to stop thinking about what had already happened that morning or what was yet to come in my day. And as I attempted to empty my brain of the 57,000 thoughts competing for space in there I realized that it is very hard for me to just be still. To not think about Denten or the children at all, or the endless to-do list regarding the house, primary, PTO or my neighbor who really needs something this week... a meal? flowers? It was a completely quiet room and my brain was trying to catch me up on all the stuff that gets muffled in there on a regular basis. But I was to focus on my breathing. Let it all go and just be still. Be present. Be here now. I can not say I was completely successful at this but I tried. Every time my mind wandered back to life, I came back to my breath and tried to just be. It's hard, you guys.
The idea of "be here now" stuck with me through the weekend and by Monday had made it onto the chalkboard in the kitchen. It had more impact than I expected. During our morning routine, I made an effort to enjoy the kids through breakfast and making lunches rather than hurrying them along and mentally planning my next steps so Stella and I could get out the door for a run as soon as the kids left. I always enjoy Stella, but this week was awesome. She is so good to play and wander while I get stuff done, but this week she helped me and we played and I tried to just "be" with her. We read stories and snuggled before nap time and amazingly I still got done the stuff I needed to.
After school is usually a little chaotic as the kids come home and feel loud after I've had a quiet house all morning. I need to oversee piano with three kids and homework and reading with three kids and time it all right so no one is playing the piano while Stella is sleeping. Someone usually needs to get to music class, or ballet, or scouts, or soccer. And dinner needs to get worked in there somewhere- I feel like if there was just one more of me it just might work. This week I sat down after school and read with Senny. Just read. I left my phone alone, told the boys they would have their turn in a minute and just enjoyed listening to what a good reader she has become. Then I sat at the piano with Beckham as he worked out new chords and got so excited when his fingers did just what his brain was telling them to. Sometimes I'm sitting at the piano while calling into the other room regarding homework or after-school snacks or come get Stella! This week I was just there, fully invested in his lesson. Cooper got his turn too and sitting with him, watching his mind work out his math problems I was so impressed with the skills he has developed to work through a problem and the strategies he uses when he gets stuck.
Someday I'll miss this, right? That's what they say. So I'm attempting to be here now a little more. I'm a planner. I like a plan. I like to know what's coming next and how it's going to play out and letting all that go is not natural, but planning ahead also has allowed me to just be and not be preoccupied so often with what's coming next or how it will work. So the dinner dishes wait while I sit and read before bed. I hang out in the backyard with Stella while she goes up the ladder and down the slide 47 times in a row, laughing every time. That can get old. Unless you don't let it. I'm working on it. I'm working on being here now.