Sunday, June 8, 2008

Pregnancy, Miscarriage and then the rest

** if the discussion of female reproductive terminology bothers you in the least, feel free to find another use of your time.



We learned a few weeks ago that it is indeed possible for the two of us to conceive a child on our own. I was thrilled, Denten was floored. And a little overwhelmed. After a bit, he came around and was on board with the idea of welcoming number four in about four years. You can see the hesitation. I had had some very distinct feelings about another little spirit being in our family and while I didn't expect it to arrive so soon, I was so excited. Then the bleeding began.


I was reassured by the nurse that implantation bleeding is normal and that occasional spotting was completely routine. The trouble is that is didn't stop. I had my HCG levels checked again before I went to St. George last week just to make sure things were ok. They were rising appropriately and I was again told that things were progressing just fine. I had a wonderful weekend despite the fact that the bleeding continued. After arriving home Sunday evening I took a pregnancy test just to ease my mind. Positive. Don't doubt, don't fear. Carry on in faith. Can't tell you how many times I repeated that in my mind.

I have had my testimony of Heavenly Father's plan for me strengthened each time we have had a child join our family. Each came in such a unique way for us at just the right time and sometimes so unexpected that I know He is creating this family just the way it should be. Whatever plan I had in mind for us went out the window a long time ago and I have been fine waiting for His to unfold for me.

Monday the same. Tuesday heavier. Things were not right. Denten gave me a beautiful blessing reminding me that there is a greater plan in place for us and that this is a minor struggle that will continue to strengthen my faith for greater challenges that are to come. He blessed my body to heal and to return to functioning the way it was designed. He said a lot of wonderful things from our Father in Heaven, none giving a clear answer about the current situation.

Wednesday an ultrasound confirmed that my uterus was empty. I suspected but really wanted to be wrong. They also drew blood to make sure my HCG levels were dropping, as they should in the event of a miscarriage. I didn't really care at this point about my blood levels and therefore didn't pester the office for the results.



Friday morning I received a call saying that the blood levels had plateaued, for the last three draws. Apparently not good news. Cause for alarm in the office. Asked to come in immediately for another blood draw. Sure, no problem. Received lots of things to watch for and given instructions to go to the ER immediately if any of them became apparent. Great.

Friday evening the Dr. himself called. While it's not ever good news to have him so directly involved, I'm very grateful for the close watch of this situation by him as well as all of his staff. The blood test indicates there is still a pregnancy in there somewhere. He suspects it is ectopic, a tubal pregnancy. He again went over warning signs, wanting to avoid a tubal rupture at all costs. We went over possible treatment plans and both agreed that avoiding surgery if possible was the most desired option. He instructed me to return to the office Saturday morning to get things started.

I'll continue treatment in the next post, but want to end this one recording that at this time I feel really grateful, despite this situation. I am grateful for the realization that my body can conceive a child. I don't know if that's how the next little spirit will get here, but I'm glad that for now it's still an option. I'm grateful that my body functions in a manner that is good for me. I'm grateful that when my body realized that this pregnancy wasn't healthy for me or the fetus, it knew to terminate. I'm grateful for modern technology aka sonograms that allow us to know just what the issue is. I'm grateful to be working with a dr. and staff that know just what they are doing and consult me in formulating treatment plans. I'm grateful that this situation isn't worse than it is. Mostly this situation has made me so grateful for the sweet spirits I do have and that I have been healthy enough to enjoy and take care of them. I am especially grateful to have Denten. While I often feel he is overly concerned, that is much better than being married to someone who didn't care at all. I'm grateful that he sees the whole picture and is concerned about both my physical and emotional well-being and makes sure our children are being taken care of. I kind of feel like I'm going through this experience looking down on myself and so far I am doing just fine. I'm grateful for that.

14 comments:

Emily said...

Wow, Ambers, Wow. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Lewis Scoop said...

I feel your pain. Your strength amazes me.

Kelly said...

Wow, Amberly. I'm sure that's a lot for you guys to digest right now. I'll be thinking of you!

Annika said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I really can't imagine, but know that we are thinking of you and praying for your best interests. Hang in there!

Kari said...

I'm soooo sorry AB. I can't imagine the excitement and then the disappointment. You are so strong and I know you will get through this, but I'm praying for you anyway. ;) Love ya. Call if you need to chat, you know where I'm at!

citymama1 said...

You have such an amazing way of seeing the good in difficult situations. I really admire that about you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Amy said...

I don't even know what to say! I'm so sorry for your loss - but literally I about fell out of my chair when I read pregnancy! I had to re-read the first paragraph about 12 times to make sure I'd understood! Is there a silver lining in all of this??? I think so, I just don't know what it is! Keep us posted on your recovery & hang in there.

Love you tons!

Scrap Happy said...

Dude.

Deirdre Eagar said...

Wow- I dont even know what to say, but since you always want to know!--Holy Crap!!

Kristi said...

AB- I am sorry for your loss, but as already said - you always find the things to be grateful for in these situations. Stay positive and things will get better. Keep us posted!

Stephens Family said...

Ah, Amberly. WOW! I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your post brought me to tears. What can I do to help? So, I hope you don't mind asking...were both Cooper and Beckam conceived by AI?

Amberly said...

Emily, Cooper was an IVF baby. Three more unsuccessful tries and we turned our attention to Seneca, just in time to find out Beckham was on his way!

K said...

I was in shock reading your post! I am so sorry for how things turned out! We will keep you in our prayers!

mabel said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Lucy

http://maternitymotherhood.net