Good for the ego

A few days ago:

Cooper: Mom, your tummy is not big anymore!

Hallelujah, somebody noticed!

Yesterday: Mom, your tummy is getting smaller!

Oh, this boy is good to have around!

Wednesday Grateful

A couple of experiences I have learned about recently have made me very grateful for a few very important blessings in my life. I also have felt very strongly lately that I need to make clear that I am not taking my current situation for granted.

First, I am aware of the fact that I was able to deliver a healthy baby boy is an incredible blessing that not all enjoy. I am grateful for the blessing I had of having been able to carry one of Heavenly Father's children long enough to have been born without any complications and have his sweet spirit in our home.

Second, last night Seneca had a very uncharacteristic crying spell that was completely puzzling to us. She was hysterical for a short time and it made me so grateful that experiences like that are not common in our home. I know having two babies under our roof could make for some frustrating times, but we have been so blessed that Seneca has such a pleasant demeanor and has thus far been a great sleeper. And little Beckham has not shown signs of colic so far and I am just grateful that for now we have calm, happy babies. I know it is incredibly frustrating to have a sweet little baby cry without end and without an obvious reason- it is heartbreaking, especially to a new mother.

While I do not presume to have a large blog-reader base, I do know a few of you who check up on me now and then and I have had you on my mind. I realize that much of my posting lately has been regarding pregnancy and babies and my role as a mother. I also am not oblivious to the fact that not everyone has had that opportunity. I just want to acknowledge that I do not mean to be insensitive to those who have a desire to be parents and have not yet been able to. I am very familiar with the heartbreak that comes with infertility and I want to record that while the role I am currently playing has many difficult moments and is often accompanies by exhaustion, I know it is a great blessing to be able to have these sweet spirits in my home and to have the priviledge to assist in raising them on this earth. I also want to record the testimony I have of Heavenly Father's plan for each of us and that I have learned first hand that the events in our lives unfold according that that plan. He sees the big picture when we easily get stuck in the moment. Praying for understanding and faith enables Heavenly Father to deliver peace and comfort until the time comes for him to unfold the next sequence of events.

I am grateful tonight for my little family.

Beckham: One Week

So I was supposed to have a baby today. It's on the calendar: 9:30 C-section. Well, we've been there, done that, so instead we spent the day getting Beckham to the doctor for his one-week check-up and doing a little birthday shopping for Denten.

Little Bex, as his auntie Kate calls him, is almost back to birth weight and tips the scales at a whopping 5 pounds 12 ounces. I can't even tell you how small that sounds to me. Five pounds! He's grown a little in length, but is still only in the 10%. He felt so huge inside of me, I didn't think he could get much bigger, but he's such a little guy out here in the big world!
He's eating and sleeping great, has a pleasant little demeanor and is already learning to be patient with the chaos that will probably surround him for much of his little life.



I am still completely in awe of him, I could just sit and stare at his sweet little face all day, except that I have two other sweet faces that like a little attention too.





In my effort to continue to be grateful for the things that surround me, I'd like to make note of how grateful I am for a husband who is being incredibly patient as I figure out how to adjust to my current state. A state that restricts me from many of my normal duties including picking up anything heavier than Beckham and one that also includes horomones that are trying really hard to stay under control. Why am I crying? Well, sometimes I can explain it and sometimes I can't! Like I said, patient guy.

I'm also incredibly grateful to have my mother here right now. Not only does she endure the weepy spells with great understanding, but she stayed with all three of the kiddos today while we went out and when we returned she was washing my windows and dusting the blinds! And she wonders if she's being any help around here! With my physical limitations, it is wonderful to have her here to tend to Seneca and Cooper. I am very grateful to have a wonderful friend in my mother. There really is no one else I can talk to about some of the things I've gone through lately and be assured there will be no judgement. I feel very blessed that as close as Heavenly Father was to taking her from us years ago, he recognized how much I'd need her.

Jan. 27

I'm grateful for:

- the intellectual stimulation Denten provides for me
- craig's list
- healthy children
- health insurance
- quiet sunday naps
- soft, rhythmic breathing of a newborn falling asleep next to me
- Sunbeam teachers
- a delicious breakfast surprise on our doorstep
- a peaceful rainy day
- kind visits from friends
- my bed

Jan. 26, 2008

I'm grateful for:

- quiet moments
- supportive friends
- clean laundry
- peaceful night feedings
- Senny's sweet disposition
- Cooper's tenacity
- mom's sacrifice
- Dent's desire and ability to balance it all
- once again, normal, pain-free breasts
- the ability to walk up and down stairs
- fond memories of this experience
- routines and schedules
- hot showers
- clean hair
- donut central
- fresh flowers
- pleasant weather
- sleeping children
- elastic waistbands
- a good cry
- a Father in Heaven who always understands

Jan. 25

I'm Grateful For:

- the small breasts I was born with
- full use of my muscles that I typically enjoy
- a smooth recovery
- attentive and knowledgable nurses
- pain medication
- a positive attitude
- a skilled surgeon
- medical professionals
- Denten, my best friend
- sweet children
- lindsay and mom
- priesthood blessings
- a calm mind= good sleep
- the most beautiful baby I've ever seen
- his rock star hair
- his sweet yet strong personality
- his dependency on me
- disposable diapers
- formula
- the money to buy both
- pillows

An amazing week

Our three little miracles.
Grandma Tamara and Beckham

with Dad

I look like I've been through a battle, but I have sweet hair!

check me out!

yea! it's time to go home!

the little guy with dad.

I could not have asked for a smoother week. With one minor exception, this experience has been completely wonderful and more than I could have hoped for. I have a beautiful baby with whom I feel an am amazing connection to and two other sweet children. I had an unbelievable hospital stay with nurses who displayed the perfect level of "attentiveness." I've got terrific help at home and my body is healing and feeling great. I have been completely blessed this week and am overwhelmed by the love I feel for this new little miracle.

I need to record the details of this experience, but for now I just want to remember to enjoy this time I have and take advantage of the fact that I have the opportunity for a nap. 'Til later...

Beckham Bitsilly Robinson

He is here!

Beckham Bitsilly Robinson
Born Monday morning 6:40 a.m., January 21, 2008.
Weight 5 pounds, 14 ounces.
Length 17 3/4 inches.

Everything went smoothly, we've been completely blessed.

More details to come when I have better internet access.

Our three little miracles

Beckham and Dad

Four for Friday

1. A fairly well-stocked pantry, a meal plan, food and menus for two weeks worth of dinners.

2. A report that my baby is at a stage +1. Well, now that would explain the inordinate amount of pressure between my legs, now wouldn't it?! Please note that is 5 positions below the baby's head in this lovely discriptive diagram my husband found. Yeah, he's ready to fall right out.



3. Three scrapbooking layouts done! Considering nothing has been touched since Seneca entered our world, this is a good start!

4. Aunt Lindsay came for a last-minute surprise visit... and will thankfully provide an opportunity to get all the rest of the things on my list complete!

Cooper, as we were entering the airport terminal: "mom, do everyone have aunties they love?"
Mom: "I don't know, but we sure are lucky you have great aunties, aren't we?"
Coop: "Yeah, I love Lindsay."
Me too.

Grateful. Subject: happy sounds

Seneca loves her brother. She turns her head as fast as she can whenever she hears him. She moves as fast as she can to find him, simply to be near him when he plays. She gets giddy if he's the one to come greet her after her nap. Today I'm grateful for children who love each other, and for the sound of them laughing together. There is not a better sound in all the world.

Reflections on Death

I have attended three funerals/memorial services in the past year and have felt very differently at each one. The first was a year ago when Wade's brother Reid passed away suddenly due to a climbing accident. The second was when a friend's dear little baby Alice passed away shortly before she was due to enter this world and the last was a member of our ward who ended his battle with cancer this week.

I've been trying to decide why each came with it's own emotional charge and I have a few ideas. First, I believe that death, while always accompanied with some degree of mourning, may be easier to swallow when those left behind have a firm grasp of the plan of salvation, as well as whether the deceased did. The second is, and this one I am grateful to not know first hand, is death easier to accept when you know it is coming?

As a distant observer, I saw how hugely Reid's passing rocked his family's world. His accident was sudden and unexpected, there was no time to prepare for his absence or say those things you might when you know a life may end. I will remember the fond memories and stories of his strong will that were shared, I will also remember the heaviness that accompanied the event of his passing. I believe his family knows they will see him again, but whether it was the suddenness of the passing, or the fact that his dear wife didn't have the gospel in her life, something hurt significantly there.

At the time of Baby Alice's passing, there was also hurt, but it was different for me. There was a personal sadness, one that I unintentionally internalized I think because of my great desire to be a mother and knowing how close Karen was to having her baby girl in her arms. I ached for her, but I also felt the peace that accompanied Alice's sweet parents and appreciated the effort they were making to try to believe that there was a reason for this season in their lives.

At Brother Tony's service yesterday, I was humbled by the fact that his dear wife and five children were left without him, but I also felt the gratitude that they felt for having him present in their lives for the time they did. I expected the service to be somber, but laughed on numerous occasions. I did not know Tony extremely well, but wished I had by the end of the day. That, to me, is a great funeral. I was able to see the lives he touched and the humor he met life with. I wondered if one of the reasons this day was a bit more peaceful was because the passing of this dear brother was expected. I'm not sure one can completely prepare to lose someone they love, but I believe the end of a life produces slightly different emotions when one knows it's coming.

I don't mean my thoughts to be insensitive, although I admit complete ignorance as I have never dealt with the death of someone extremely close to me. I don't know if it's natural or selfish for an event such as death to make me wonder what I would do if the situation were mine. If I were to lose a child, a sibling or my husband, how would I handle it? I have played out several scenarios hoping to meet a challenge such as that with dignity and grace, but knowing that my emotions have a tendency to get the better of my common sense sometimes. It has been interesting to discuss these issues with Denten, and most of all be grateful that I have him here to discuss them with. I am also grateful to know that however and whenever death touches my life, that those who go on before me are in a beautiful place and that Heavenly Father's plan is in working just as it should.

Good Things

1. French Vanilla Almond Granola from Fresh and Easy. Fresh and delicious. Coop and I have been snacking on it for two days... worth the trip!

2. The little person inside me now has a carseat. He also has a crib. We're still working on a dresser and a double stroller... I know they'll come, but they would probably come more easily if I weren't so picky.

3. In reading my Joseph Smith manual in preparation for Sunday's RS lesson I was amazed again at the maturity of a 14 year-old-boy and the faith he had. "If any of ye lack wisdom, let him ask of God.." It's that simple. Ask God. I lack wisdom. Every day I lack wisdom. Why do I spend so long trying to figure it out on my own before asking God? He giveth to all men liberally. Liberally. He holds nothing back if we just ask. I'm grateful to know that.

4. Weekends. I love that it's the weekend. Cooper wants pancakes in the morning and I feel as though Denten is just the man for the job.

Stuff on my mind

1. a visit to the OB's office yesterday producing the following:

• nurse: "I'd never guess you were eight months pregnant! Maybe six." nice of her.


• another nurse: "Wow, that first baby sure did a number on your poor skin, didn't he?" Lady, I'm quite aware of the completely disgusting appearance of the skin on my stomach- not a lot I'm going to do about it at this point considering I've reached 'stretched-to-the max capacity again. not so nice of her.


• I am not dialated yet, despite strengthing contractions.


• The little guy's head, however, is about as low as it can be without popping into daylight- really, it's right there. Hmm.. that explains the exorbant amount of pressure down there. I'm sure you all wanted to know that.


• I need to be taking iron or a transfusion may be necessary. Seems an easy enough fix to prevent a potential complication. Picked up some yesterday.

2. while I'm ready to have this baby, I have come to the harsh realization that my home is not ready for someone else to come in and take over. The cleaning/project list has been made and we're making our way through it slowly. leaning over scrubbing bathtubs just may induce labor, but at least grandma can come and not have to clean my house from top to bottom before she feels comfortable staying here!

3. completely simple valence design, but that means it was done quickly, hung and the mess put away. and I don't feel like the window is naked anymore. thanks again to shellie for climbing on my counters!

4. happy belated birthday to Taisey whose entrance into this world a few decades ago gave us reason for a great lunch trip to the farm today. it was such a beautiful day.. sunny and 60 degrees and no jackets necessary! these days are the ones that make living in phoenix totally worth it.

5. there is a slight possibility that denten will be home from work tonight before 10 pm! yes, reason to celebrate as that hasn't happened in a while... and I'm dying to finish the second disc of the Godfather II... I just can't watch it without him! We learned recenly that the Godfather is on the top 10 movies of all time list and while I have had zero interest previous to now, I decided to give it a shot. I watched the first one while he was hunting last weekend and was quite surprised at how much I liked it. Judge if you will, but there is a reason it is on the top 10!

Naptime?

So it's currently naptime at my house. One child is flopping around on his bed singing at the top of his lungs and the other is babbling her own version of a very similar song in the next room. Both bedrooms are producing quite joyful sounds; neither is producing a nap. I'd actually settle for quiet time if that's the best I can get, but really, this playtime in bed is kind of ridulous. The irony is that on the way home from the store they were both completely exhausted and ready to drop. Why does feeding them lunch revive them so?

On the up side, my last kitchen valence is complete! Yea! And this one only took two days from conception to completion... not months. Yes, there will be photos, but first I must clean my kitchen. Perhaps that is how I should be using this time, considering I am not getting my nap either... alright, onto more productive things. Sure hope quiet time at your house as at least that!

Weekend gratefuls

* I'm grateful for Cooper. Last month during fast and testimony meeting he leaned over to me and said, "it's my turn, mom." Lucky for me, it was nearing the end of the meeting and I was able to postpone the conversation about why we visit the pulpit. It provided a great plan for our family home evenings this last month as we tried to explain what a testimony was and some of the things that are appropriate for him to share. The two things we focused on were what he knows to be true about the gospel and what he is grateful for. The things he came up with were:

- he knows his Heavenly Father loves him
- he knows Jesus loves him
- he knows he has angels that watch over him
- he is grateful for his mom, dad, seneca and his brother
- he is grateful for a prophet, President Hinckley
- he likes to read his scriptures
- he is excited to be in primary and to be a Sunbeam

It's a completely simple testimony, but I'm so grateful that he is aware of these truths. We talked often over the last month about these things and he practiced saying them himself. He was so excited to go to church yesterday and bear his testimony. He waited reverently and patiently for the sacrament to pass and then again while our Bishop took his turn sharing his testimony. He informed me he needed a stool and was so brave. I know there's nothing to be scared of, but I didn't know how would react when he actually got up there. He needed a little prompting, but spoke loud and clear and I was so proud of him. There was also no hesitation about graduating from nursery to the "big boy" Sunbeam class. He went in and joined his class with ease and was completely exhuberant when I picked him up. The fact that church now falls squarely in the middle of naptime was a mild concern, but did not manifest itself as such until about 5:30 p.m. when the meltdown began... but we're focusing on the positive here...

* I'm grateful for Seneca. This little girl is something completely special in our world. She reminds us of true sweetness and pure joy. She is gaining independence and is not as content to sit still, especially in church, but Denten and I both just had to smile as we watched her squirm around during Sacrament meeting, trying to get her hands on something, or smile hugely at someone- he looked at me and said, "what do we do when we have two of these?" Again, we both laughed quietly knew that we were so grateful for the chaos that is about to ensue.

* I'm grateful for Denten. Specifically for the open communication and the friendship that we have shared lately. The downside to holidays for me is the end of them... mostly because it means dad has to go back to work, but I've tried to be positive about the fact that we are so blessed for him to have "work" to go back to. He's been busy, but has made a special effort to be with us whenever he can. We have shared great conversations and moments with our kids, and I am blessed beyond belief to have him as my partner as we continue to figure out this journey we're on together.

* I'm grateful for good health, both mine and my family's. As we have watched from a distance a sweet brother in our ward near the end of this life and his little family, I have been reminded of the incredible blessing it is to have my physical body function the way it should in order to serve me through my day. Tony's updates can be found here

* In regard to this same situation, I am grateful for the faith and financial means to serve without questioning. I am grateful to be in a position that when asked to serve or when we see a need, we don't need to wonder if it is something we can afford. We know that we are here for Heavenly Father to work through and if we are doing his work, those concerns are not necessary.

* Just so you don't think I've gone completely sappy in this new year, I will also mention that while I'm not grateful Denten and Brett had an "unsuccessful" javelina hunt Saturday, I am grateful I do not have the dilemma of facing what to do with an ugly wild boar. I wish they would have seen something, perhaps even gotten an arrow off, but I'm ok that a taxidermied hog is not being added to our home at this time.

Focus for 2008

I have always been a "resolutions girl." I think this comes naturally considering I have also always been a "list girl," therefore it comes easily to me to lay out the various parts of who I am and list a few goals in each category. I have begun most years with new goals in the realms of my spiritual life, my physical body, my relationships, my home and family life, etc., and I believe they were probably pretty realistic ones. However, I find myself a different person this year. While it would completely go against who I am to toss the list all together, my goals for this year are ones that sound simple, yet will help me stretch and grow in the ways my Heavenly Father intends for me right now.

In evaluating what I'd like to achieve in this next phase of my life, the overarching theme boils down to two things: being present and being grateful.

I had a wonderfully enlightening conversation with some very wise women a few days ago and was reminded of the blessings that come from enjoying the journey. My dad introduced me to this principle in relation to climbing a mountain, and while I haven't been climbing in quite some time, the analogy will always ring true. Occasionally, my daily to-do list runs my day and I don't feel complete peace until everything is crossed off, sometimes at the expense of spending quality time with my children or husband. I lay in bed knowing that all my tasks were completed, but did I actually play with or teach Cooper anything today? I fed my baby, but what four other things was I planning while I did it instead of just enjoying my baby? I am a terrific multi-tasker. Did you know that I can have Cooper eating breakfast while I feed Seneca, while I feed myself, while I go through my email, browse blogs, create a grocery list and check USA Today's headlines? Did you know that if the phone rings during this 15 minutes that I throw that in as well? Silly. I've got all day for heaven's sake. Instead of hearing myself say, "I'll be happy to help you as soon as I finish... whatever i'm working on," I'm excited to stop, look at my son and BE with him.

In the past some might have called me a worrier. An obsessive worrier that used to make myself physically sick with anxiety over the craziest things. I have been known to "sweat the small stuff." I have previously blamed this trait on genetics, but have decided I no longer need to carry that one. This year I am a Creator. I am going to play a more active role with my Heavenly Father in creating the life I want, rather than waiting for it to come to me. I have learned that I have more power over my condition here on this earth than I was previously aware of and I am excited to be taking a hold of it and making it work for me. I believe that being grateful everyday for what surrounds me will only bring more abundance, and will also make me a happier woman. I am incredibly blessed. I really have a fantastic life with more comforts than many in the world can imagine, and yet I have spent way too much time in the past waiting and wishing for more or something different. As I look at my surroundings with gratitude, I know that I will continue to be blessed.

There are two other things that I am excited to be partaking in this year. One of them is my commmittment to follow the Gospel Doctrine's outline for reading the Book of Mormon. I'm grateful for the opportunity to both study it at home and look forward to Sunday School and participate in the lessons given. I go to church intending to be enlightened, but it's not quite fair for me to expect someone to simply inject me with this light if I'm not prepared to receive it. I know that if I put in my study time, I'll learn great things about the Book of Mormon prophets and my Savior this year. I love this quote from Pres. Marion G. Romney:

"I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counself of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity... will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness."

After all, who wouldn't want more reverence, respect and responsiveness from their children?!

The last thing I am consciously implementing this year is to vow to be on the Lord's errand in all I do. To be more open to his promptings and to able to truly be an instrument in his hands by receiving the things he's trying to communicate to me. There are an abundance of service opportunities around me and as I follow the promptings of the spirit, I will know which direction He needs me to go. Without worrying about whether it's convenient for me at any given moment, if the Lord needs me, He will take care of the details.

This all may sound like a lot considering there is not actually list of resolutions, but instead of running 5 days a week, preparing dinner every night and never going to bed until the laundry is done, I choose to raise the positive energy around me, to create a higher vibration in my home and in doing so, create memories with my children. I was recently described as "high-strung," if you can possible imagine that- and some things may never change, but in this year that I am going to hit 30 years old, I am excited to BE PRESENT and to BE GRATEFUL, and therefore, to BE BLESSED. This is going to be the best year yet... hold on tight!

Priceless

 

Priceless would be the look on Grandma Bitsilly's face when she looks at her great-grandchildren. She's got a soft spot for this one in particular.

35 weeks

You asked for it people... in all my glory.





If this baby doesn't decide to make his appearance before Jan. 28, that is scheduled to be his birthday... He seems awfully comfortable in there, however I happen to know that the skin surrounding his cushy home is not going to give a whole lot more, so if he wants to keep stretching out, he's going to have to come join this wonderful world of ours!